I learned to love Him after spending some years. ..
But, when we first moved in together,? No, it was purely physical.
Not a spellbinding situation which would cause even the slightest hesitation
should the ‘right person’ come along. At least this is how I saw it then…
He was evolving into everything I ever wanted…
I did not notice until too late.
When I was younger…
Having a lover, only ever meant a new place to hang out at, a new person to fuck,
Nothing truly important, nothing dire.
And yet…a lover was all I wanted, when the lights were dimmed
Learning to love Him, was not easy.
I had to discover the friend in him as a precautionary measure.
Because, He was the type of person who expressed His complexities through
unwavering kindness. A kindness which can also be perceived as dangerous in the
wrong hands.
I really felt as though He used this behavior for attracting instant allies.
To me, it seemed more of an insincere reaction from coexisting in varied social
encounters, and was not genuine in the least.. And it annoyed the hell out of me
when we walked into a room,with him wearing this big stupid smile on his face.
By the end of the night, he was introducing me to His 50,000,000 new friends…
Yet this was the very characteristic that I found attractive in the first place!
What an asshole…
In the beginning stages with Him…
I was gentle, as if caring for the loveliest, rarest species on earth.
I had no choice but to trust that He was genuinely carefree amongst strangers.
Later, it became threatening because the gesture seemed manipulative, and dishonest.
As a rule of thumb, I normally have difficulties trusting anyone who is ‘ALWAYS ON.’
Meeting someone like him was a first for me.
Normally I would not have given a chance of beginning.
In hindsight, he was a provocateur for my efforts, whenever smiling sans my usual
negativity.
I would have hated being in love with someone like me!
In fact, there is just no way I would want to try. One look, and all alarms would
immediately sound off disposition to self: “Fucker, get out of my face”
Nothing stressful ever again…
Remaining bound to someone until the innocence runs out, is no longer an option.
Around the moment of my descry to rise above sedentary fields of caring…
I became as a chrysalis emerging ripe for flight, only to end up near death in the
folds of dark matter.
“I do not believe in romance anymore….
Though, I do believe the concept remains highly fashionable.”
In haste, I demanded a clean break so that I could continue on with someone else.
Less than thrilled, He cried from the realizations, and pain of handing His heart over-
To a thief.
My return to a cold uncaring person was easy.
Isn’t this always the case when fleeing into a new relationship before the last has
ended? Yes…
“…let’s stay friends. And please try to forget about the games I played against you…”
Splitting off to other projections…
A new body to smell, taste, and hold.
Unlimited sex existing on that famous plateau of unreserved desires to meld..
Lots of eating. Naked playfulness. Beds being trashed. Beds being made.
Conversations light and sexy. Laughter, and relentless flirting. Afforded Effort.
Then finally approaching the melancholy hour of our futures together.
“What happened to all the laughter?”
I am a sucker for new people and good times.
Out of us two, I was a rebellious, heap of constant trouble.
Always decked out with an acute palm of discord,
Ready to tear some shit up. What was not to love? <wink>
I seriously do not know how He did.
“What is this I hear? He held the secret to life as well?”
*drip drip*
My old lover who remains closer than ever in heart…
I find it strange how memory keeps Him so well preserved.
Alongside of my thoughts, He has now existed there as long as I can recall.
So in essence…
If absence truly dresses all wounds to heal properly?
Then He is my living example of this occurrence
Loving Him through ages.
Minus sorrow, anger, or betrayal any longer…
Just Us, walking along the broken trail of shadow.
My Lover who once taught me how to feel…
Embraced deeper than I knew…