Letter to Jud~
You know how sometimes…you’ll casually touch base with an old friend from daze gone by…only to find they’ve grown up to be really creepy disappointments whom you’ll prolly never want to hang out again with? LOL~ That happened to me today. Feeling strange about it.
I really wish there was a switch in my brain that I could just push to eject ALL predisposition. I can never seem to get past that which is instantly recognized when allowing someone close who does not belong. The TRUE nature of people does not make it easy for me to remain open!
Filling the gaps with event. The more scandalous…the better. Death, coma, and staged lobotomies are the only escape. Stagger the mind, push the button. A plane drop in the middle of a rain forest to be eaten alive by the forces of nature.
When I look back upon my own life, it is not difficult to recognize that I’ve been going through an extremely ‘strange period’ all along. And, I think I might even be the biggest freak of all time! hehehe! It began from an early age. Blah blah. You know all of this already…
I’m still grappling to get through this bulk to date: Freaked out on jeezis in my youth. Freaked out on life from there on out. Alienated everyone. Remained alienated. Flames of recourse burned the whole place down. Rose from the ashes. Reclaimed my position among real friends. Abandoned the brainwash. Living life as this artist recluse, because I cannot stand most people and their trips.
Some of these old ‘friends’ are now having the same freak outs I went through 20 years ago! And I am so sad for them! I’m so unprepared for this madness! I want to save them all over again! hahaha~ Holidaze coming up. Have been thinking a lot about what it means to most people. Can you tell? O right…you get one of these ‘realization’ letters from me, every year around this time, huh? :D
C**** sometimes forwards these chain emails indicating she too is absolutely headed in that ‘religious’ direction. Catholic god shit. Asks me to pray for her :/
My angry side wants to shut her down…even though I obviously won’t. And, then I begin to question why my reaction is so violent. I mean, it isn’t as if I cannot understand why she feels a need to veer in this direction. She is afraid. And she believes in a heaven and hell. She wants to go to the heaven side after she dies. She wants to believe she can live on forever. I see it as being surrounded by religious fanatics! I can’t help it! Fuuuuck! Get me out of hereeee!!!
Melting pot has everyone scrambling to find an answer. Cults. Fucking stories dictating that everyone be good or suffer. We suffer despite. Choosing which poison to swallow for the least painful death. Funny, sad, and true…
My primal scream is severely stifled from loving my family…I have to constantly bite tongues, and bind fingers. Hooowlll Howllll Grrrrowl~ If only I were better at being mean.
You know…last year, my Mom made us pray before we ate ‘thanksgetting’ dinner?! First time ever. I sat with my eyes open, watching everyone else with their eyes open too. Everyone except my Mom was in on the awkwardness. And, I felt such sorrow watching her mean everything that spilled forth. This alone, made me want to shut my eyes tightly and wish for it to go away. Guh!
I am let down by most people. NOT by you of course. But, that is because you have proven to me over time that you will always be honest with me…even if I don’t like it very much. AND! you are also the only person who let me live through that religious nut phase, while cautiously remaining my friend. Awww! I thank you so much for that, my sweetheart!!! If only there were a bigger bestest present that I could give you in appreciation. You know I would…
Hrm…wrap up time. Venting, so I can get on with my art. Thanks for always lending a loving eye.